Thursday, April 26, 2012

Friend in the Middle

The question was asked: "How do you stay loyal while being the friend in the middle of friends argument?"

That is a really good question because it happens all the time. You have two friends who aren't getting a long at the moment what do you do because you are caught in the middle and really don't want to be and are pretty much forced to pick a side. There are a few things you can do:
1-Pick a side and possibly upset one friend
2-Be Switzerland and stay completely out of it
3- Tell both friends how you feel and go from there.

I have done all three before but the only one that seems to ever work out is number 3. I think it's because both respect what you have to say and the fact that you are taking a chance of upsetting both friends is seen as well. However when you decide to let them both have it you must be prepared for the fall out and for them to then turn on you. But as friends (true friends) they should understand your concern and realize that you are trying to help. If you lose a friend in the process then unfortunately that wasn't a real friend to begin with. Because true friends are like family, you fight with them but then you make up and move on.

Saturday, March 24, 2012

We All Want Love

Conversation between two good friends one is single and one is married....

Single friend: ughhh I'm tired of being single I'm ready for a relationship but nothing goes the way I plan for it to go.

Married friend: oooh don't worry it will happen for you, just be patient and wait. It will come when you least expect it to.

We all know someone who has had this conversation and the single person ALWAYS says in their mind...."SHUT THE HELL UP!!!!"

Seriously our married friends sometimes forget how it feels to be single.  Look we (single people) know you (married and all happy people) are trying to help but honestly that doesn't help at all it does nothing but upset us single people even more. Why, because 9 times out of 10 we have been patient, and its not a recent development that we are lonely and want to be in a relationship. There is a good chance we have been feeling this way for a while, but haven't said anything because of that response right there! It is understandable that our married friend would try and help her single friend, but there is NOTHING that can be said to help that us single people feel better about our situation. There is not a right or comforting answer that can be given to someone who feels lonely and just wants to be loved.

It is hard being single! No one likes the feeling of emptiness or wanting to be with someone. No one enjoys the feeling of wanting something so bad but not being able to have it, its enough to drive a person crazy. Who doesn't want to have someone to call their own, who doesn't want to feel that everyday when they wake up they are on someone else's mind.

Just like the Rihanna song says....

We all want someone there to hold
We just want somebody
We all wanna be somebody’s one and only
We all wanna be warm when it’s cold
Yeah yeah yeah

No one wants to be left scared and lonely
We all, we all, we all, we all

We all want the same thing
We all, we all, we all, we all
We all want the same thing
We all, we all, we all, we all
We all want the same thing
Everybody wants something gotta want something
Yeah yeah we all want love

Feeling Ignored

Received an email from a girl who has been dating this guy for about two years now and from time to time he will just stop answering her phone calls, text messages, or the door when she comes over. But then other times he is paying all the attention in the world to her. Her question was 1-is this normal and 2- how should I bring it up in a conversation without making him mad?

1- This type of behavior isn't really normal for a man, for a female yes at times but for most men no. Most would say that when he is ignoring you it means that he's off doing something he isn't supposed to be doing. If you have gone an entire day without a text message from him and you know he's not at work, or he doesn't text you back hours after you have text him...I'm sorry but there is a good chance that he is doing something he shouldn't be doing. However if you have text him and he doesn't respond as fast as you expect him to, calm down he might be choosing his words wisely as to not cause an argument between the two of you

2- a relationship without communication is like a car without can start it all you want but your not going anywhere. This goes for non-communication in a relationship, you can be in a relationship but without communication it's pointless. If you do not talk to one another about issues that you have the relationship will just be at a stand still. Just because you might be telling him what he doesn't want to hear, doesn't mean it shouldn't be said. It needs to be bought out into the open. You as his girlfriend need to be able to say anything to him without fear of him getting upset. You need to let him know that you entered this relationship as partners and it should still be that way. A relationship needs communication, talk to one another because no one deserves to feel ignored. Sit him down and let him know that there are some issues weighing heavily on you and you need to get them off your chest, him being your partner should understand and want to sit down and work out these issues. However when you sit him down do not start yelling at him and telling him what you "think" he is doing because that will do nothing but cause an argument...tell him how you feel in a tone that will allow him to listen and not mentally mute you.

"If someone truly loves you, then they shouldn't make you feel like you have to constantly fight for their attention"

Saturday, March 10, 2012

Get Ya Money Up $$

Everyone wants to be living the dream..the dream of not being broke!! I don't know anyone who would say they rather have no money in the bank rather than actually have some money in the bank. I know I could always use more money in the bank. So I found this website that helps with learning to save money. I will attach the link at the end but I want to post a couple of their important points first.

Everyone has bills to pay and you may not think you can really save any money but with these helpful tips from Harris Bank you will be able to save some money for yourself!! Here's what I learned...

1- Add your name to the list of people to pay
  • Get into the habit of adding your name to the list of bills that need to be paid and pay yourself first. This will help in thinking that there is no money left over for yourself.
2- Start small and then build from there
  • Yes we all wanna be "ballin" buuuuutttt that's not very its better to start off small. Start putting aside a small amount like $10-$30 a month if you can do that much with every pay period..well gone head witcha bad self!!!
3- Make saving automatic
  • They suggest having money automatically transferred into your saving account...if that's not possible then make sure you hit the bank and transfer that money or do it on-line through on-line banking.
4- Put away what you don't spend
  • Have spending money set aside for things like groceries,  date night, dinner with the girls. If you don't spend it all what you have left over put that into your savings account. They suggest something a little different so make sure to check out the website to get the full explanation (once again this is my take on saving). Every little bit put away starts to add up.
5- There's no time like the present
  • No explanation really needed here...start saving as soon as possible!!!
Here is the website where I learned this information from...hopefully it helps ya out....

(p.s share with your friends so y'all can start saving together...a friendly competition between friends on saving never hurt anyone really it helps you both-- bragging rights and money in the bank!! #WINNING)

Friday, March 9, 2012

Times Have Changed

Dinner with a good friend tonight and we got on the subject of sex before marriage and how things have changed since our parents dated and got together. She mentioned that her mom was only ever with one person her entire life.

Times have defiantly changed. So she asked the question do people really get married without ever having sex before hand?

I believe that some people do but never the less its a good question that I couldn't help not talking about tonight...In today's society most people sleep with one another before even thinking about getting married. They even sleep together before even making it official that they are dating. I think there are two ways of looking at a situation like this way 1- if you are really in love with someone then sex with that person shouldn't matter when it happens and 2-gotta make sure the sex is good before puttin' a ring on it!!

If you are really in love with someone then there is a chemistry that one feels with that person. The chemistry of just being close with that person is all that you need. Sex doesn't make up an entire relationship (it is a big part of a relationship though). Sex and relationship is kind of like baking a cake and enjoying a slice afterwards. When baking a cake first you make sure that you have all of the ingredients because if one thing is left out then the cake might not be as good as it should be. Well the same thing goes for sex and a relationship. If you do not have the foundation of a great relationship then most of the time the sex really isn't that great anyway because there always feels like there is something missing. Just like baking that cake you smell the sweet aroma in the oven but you don't take it out and cut a slice until the timer goes off telling you that its ready. Some people feel they need to put in the work of making a great relationship before testing the waters on sex and that might mean waiting until marriage where it will be even more special and worth the wait in the end.

Then there are some who say "HELL no I won't marry someone who I hadn't had sex with" their reasoning...would you buy a car without test driving it, would you buy a house without doing a walk through, buy a pair of cute ass pumps without walking around the store with them?...NO so why would I marry someone without making sure the sex is going to be on point! Sex can make or break a relationship. Having sex with a partner is one of the most intimate moments in couples lives, they are able to really connect on a different level, where they feel like they are one with one another. No matter how good the relationship is sometimes if the sex isn't great the relationship is donezo!

Everyone has their own thoughts and opinions. Never let someone else's thoughts and opinions change how you feel. If you are one who doesn't want to have sex until marriage for religious reasons or personal don't let anyone change it. You know what is right for your body, mind and soul and allowing others to change your mind could have you regretting it in the long run.

Dysfunctional Relationships

A friend of mine asked this question the other night on facebook...
"Why do people go back to dysfunctional relationships?"

Even though this wasn't a question that was asked to me specifically, I've been thinking about it lately and decided to take it to the blog. In my opinion and from my own personal experience with all of my dysfunctional relationships, most people go back to those relationships for a couple of reason...1-they feel they can't do any better, 2- it's the only thing they know, 3- everyone wants to be loved and 4- no one wants to be lonely.

Even though a relationship is dysfunctional does not mean there is no love in that relationship. Most of time the couples in the relationships break up and then get back together again because they are lonely and want that feeling of companionship and do not know what a non-dysfunctional relationship feels like. They feel like since they have been in this type of relationship before it's actually normal, or maybe they haven't been in the relationship but someone close to them has and that is the only example that they have. It doesn't matter whether or not a dysfunctional relationship has love in it or not its still dysfunctional and unhealthy.
A dysfunctional relationship isn't always about someone being hit or forced to have sex against their will...its also about the emotional roller coaster the person goes through (most are that). That is probably one of the worst forms of dysfunction there is, when the relationship is emotionally abusive. Abusive relationships exist in all segments of society has nothing to do with social class.  One of the biggest problems is that people do not realize they are being abused and think that their partner is just being a jerk or an asshole...when really that behavior can be classified as abusive. I will use myself as an example:
I'm a black female who doesn't see race so when I was approached by a white male interested in dating me I figured I'd give him a chance. I had no clue that he was going to take me on one hell of an emotional roller coaster that had me second guessing everything about my life. He went from being sweet and supportive of everything I did and only make small comments about race like; "your the first black family I've seen on this side of town I thought most lived on the east end". First time I heard it it caught me off guard but I brushed it off. Then it got to the point where he didn't want me around my friends because he felt they would talk me out of dating him. He even picked a fight with me on my birthday because he didn't want to meet my friends and that was his way of controlling the situation. He talked to me any kind of way he wanted to. I was so far into it I wasn't sure how to get out and figured that karma had brought him into my life so I just had to deal with it. It wasn't until I ended up in the hospital thinking I was having a heart attack that I realized something wasn't right. No reason why my boyfriend wasn't by my side the entire time I was in the hospital especially when he had nothing else to do (unemployed...yes shoulda been my first hint but it wasn't I was lonely), as soon as my parents would get to the hospital he would leave. Straw breaking the camels back was the racial comments about my family being his pets and other comments I wouldn't dare mention because they are to rude to even say.  This relationship was emotionally draining for the 3 months that it lasted, only thing I got out of it was a smaller waistline!
In my case I didn't and would NEVER go back, however there are people who would because they have no concept of what a healthy relationship is or because they are so ready to be done with the dating world they settle for what they think is happiness. Honestly no one should settle for anything in the world. If it doesn't feel right then its not right. Your heart will tell you one thing but in cases like these its you mind that you have to trust because your heart can land you in situation that you can't get yourself out of. You think that person will change...and yes they will for a short amount of time. But if they showed you their true colors believe they will do it again.

Biggest piece of advice I have for this one is to stay strong and know your worth. No one is meant to be alone in the world, be patient and be still. Yes I understand all to well that it is easier said than done, but the old saying "good things come to those who wait" wasn't coined for no reason!

If you feel you are in a bad relationship seek health..I found a website that could help remember no one deserves to be hurt!

Words of Wisdom

No emails tonight, but some words of wisdom from the good ol Dr. Seuss

"Today you are You, that is truer than true. There is no one alive who is Youer than you!"

"We are all a little weird and life's a little weird, and when we find someone whose weirdness is compatible with ours, we join up with them and fall in mutual weirdness and call it love."

"Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind"